"THAT" Kid: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are traumatic events that occur in childhood that have consequences well into adulthood. Some examples of traumas are violence, abuse, the death of a family member, neglect, and living in poverty. The consequences of ACEs range from delays in brain development to health conditions like coronary heart disease, mental illness, and a greater risk for substance abuse.   

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), 61% of adults had at least one ACE, and 16% had four or more types of ACEs. This tells us that the odds are high that we have one or more of these kids in our ministry. 

These kids can be challenging to identify, but there are some telltale signs. From the outside, this kid might seem like a handful. They come in late, do not listen, speak out of turn, are mean or rude to other kids, and make choices that seem risky or unsafe. 

So how can we minister to these kids while maintaining the integrity of our program?

Take a look at Sarah's experience. 

Sarah took a new job at a small church, and before she got there, Sarah was getting phone calls and Facebook messages about a child named Tommy. He was a challenging child that the volunteers wanted to be kicked out of the ministry. Sarah did not consider expulsion as an option, so she was anxious to get a read on the situation herself. 

On one of her first Sundays on the job, Sarah finally met Tommy. "Here comes trouble." One of the volunteers jeered when they saw him and his raggedy Grandma coming through the door. 

At first glance, Sarah knew something was wrong. This boy was dressed in dark clothing, looked poorly maintained, and gave off the vibe of being deeply angry. Unfortunately, Grandma did not look much better. 

Sarah decided that she would do whatever it took to make Tommy feel welcomed and loved at her new church. 

Sarah tried to gain as much first-hand information as she could about Tommy's life from his Grandma.

Soon, Sarah discovered that Tommy's mom was a drug addict and his dad had been recently incarcerated. In addition, Tommy's Grandma and Grandpa had just adopted him, and he had formed a deep bond with his grandfather. 

Then his grandfather died suddenly. 

The realization dawned on Sarah that Tommy and his Grandmother are the real-life expression of James 1:27. 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Tommy, an orphan, was being raised by his Grandma, a widow. 

This kid needed attention, and he was going to get it one way or another. It was up to Sarah how he would get it. 

In your ministry, you have a child that needs special attention. You have a child that will take time away from the other kids one way or another. No, it is not fair. However, it is reality. It is up to us to choose the attention we give to that child - positive or negative. You decide:

POSITIVE attention upfront 

OR 

NEGATIVE attention in response

POSITIVE ATTENTION looks like this:

PRAY before your day begins for genuine empathy and patience for that child. Then, when you see them coming, stop whatever you are doing and go to them. Get on their eye level and ask them how their week was. Smile. Show them, genuine love. Give them attention. Show interest in their interests.

If the child asks for something that the other kids do not have, make an exception if it is harmless. For example, Tommy was in Sarah's office before the kid's church began, and he saw a balloon on her desk. He asked if he could have it. Would it be fair for him to have one and not the other kids? Nope. However, there is a good chance that if he positively gets special attention, he will not seek it negatively by being disruptive, disrespectful, or worse. 

Make a real effort to give that child praise for EVERYTHING they do well as they do it. For example: "Tommy, you are listening so well right now. I just wanted to say thanks for that. It makes me feel like you respect me, and I appreciate that." Alternatively, "Tommy, thanks for helping pass out the papers. You are really helpful."

Look for ways to make that child a leader. Yes, it is risky, but it is worth it for sure. This tactic makes kids feel special when given specific responsibilities, and it is just another form of positive attention. 

This is not easy. Nothing worth it ever is. Today Tommy still lives with his Grandma, and they are doing all right. Each day is a struggle, but they know they are not alone. Sometimes it is knowing that small fact that makes all the difference.