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Esther Stevens: A Legacy of Faith

Abstract

The following is a case study of a 63-year-old married mother of two regarding the aging process and experiences. The subject is also a spouse of an active-duty US Navy Commander. Ageism is discussed as well as societal pressures which affect the perception of the aging process. Perceptions of physical deterioration, weakening of the mind, and outward appearance are discussed. The subject of the study discusses life events that are significant to her while referring to her faith as a sustaining influence in her life. Events such as child-rearing, marriage, deployments, and social relationships are discussed through this lens. Results from this case study indicate that authentic faith can outweigh the pressures and stereotypes put on the aging population by greater society.

Keywords: Ageism, faith, military, marriage, family

Esther Stevens: A Legacy of Faith

The subject of this study is Esther Stevens, a friend, and mother-figure whom the author met in Japan almost seven years ago. The subject is 63 years old, married, and a mother of two grown children. Her husband has been a Chaplain in the US Navy for the past twenty years. Esther has a very philosophical outlook on life due to her faith which she identifies as Christian. The interview phase consisted of a mix of questions regarding both her physical and philosophical views on life and aging. Most of Esther’s answers disregarded physical attributes of aging as insignificant while focusing on the importance of her relationships with friends and family and leaving a legacy of faith.

Misconceptions of Aging

Societal norms produce many stereotypes about aging, including the aging person being feeble-minded, fail and lacking cognitive ability (Cavanaugh and Blanchard-Fields, 2019). As we engage with the world around us, our society is so saturated with false beliefs about aging that we are not even aware of them. Caricatures of aging adults include weak and helpless people with failing memories whose physical bodies no longer function properly (Cavanaugh and Blanchard-Fields, 2019). Some of the most damaging portrayals of aging adults are proliferated by media and the entertainment industry (Cavanaugh and Blanchard-Fields, 2019).

Adaptability

For example, it is widely believed that older adults are stuck in their ways and unable to change later in life. Even this author confesses that many times in her life she has written bad behavior from older adults as acceptable because they are “too old to change”. The truth is that aging individuals are no more unyielding than younger people; rigidity tends to be a stable character trait throughout the lifespan. Therefore, a person that has become accustomed to adaptation would maintain this ability throughout their lives and vice versa. A military spouse, like the subject of this study, Esther, would be an example of a person that has become accustomed to change and therefore embraces it with excitement.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Another example of ageism is the way people view older adults’ handicaps later in life. People assume that physical handicaps are the primary limiting issue among the aging population, but the truth is much worse than that. The truth is that the primary hindrance of the aging population is ageism itself. Just as young men and women are not immune to the societal stereotypes governing their self-perceptions, the aging population is also painfully aware of society’s limited view of their worth. As men and women age, they often find that they are spoken down to, patronized and treated as if their mental capacity were somehow affected by just the passing of time. These stereotypes create somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Levy (1996) tested this hypothesis by subliminally priming younger and older adults with either negative or positive stereotypes. When older adults were primed with the negative stereotypes of older people such as using the word senile, confused, forgetful the individual performed worse on memory tests than older adults with positive priming. There has since been research that confirms these findings time and time again (Bouazzaoui et al., 2016).

Christian Perspective of Aging

Esther tends to have a different perspective when it comes to aging than most of the population. For example, Esther does not submit to societal norms regarding aging and gains her perspective from her faith. For Esther, aging is a thing of beauty, the second coming of age in which she can begin to experience the joys of being a grandmother and sharing her wisdom with the next generation.

Whitehead and Bergeman (2020) concluded that authentic religiousness was instrumental in combating adversity and improved metabolic health. The study linked daily religious practices with objective metabolic health indicators to find a strong positive correlation between the two. The study also found that people who utilize their faith to cope with the daily stressors of life, acute stress, and the stressors of aging reap essential health benefits. Due to the strong correlation, Whitehead and Bergeman (2020) concluded that more research is warranted into the positive effects of religiousness on chronic stress and adversity as a possible treatment for those clinical and applied contexts.

The faith of patients has been shown to positively affect mental health (Jameson et al., 2012) and physical health (Bopp et al., 2013). By employing measures of daily religious rituals to gauge the dynamic ways in which faith-related variables help an individual relieve their stress, researchers may be able to understand how these patterns affect health outcomes and inhibit the disease process. Esther’s faith is more than just a hobby; it is a deeply held relationship with her Creator in which she feels an authentic connection. This connection and faith serve to minimize stress and seems to stave off many common complaints of aging.

Relationships and Aging

Esther is typical in the sense that she has fewer relationships now than she did in earlier years, but the relationships she chooses to maintain are deep and meaningful (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). The friends Esther has now have come from group Bible studies at her new church. She is seen as an elder there, which she finds a fulfilling and rewarding experience. Esther does not have any cross-gender relationships (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). Esther also mentioned that her relationship with her husband has remained strong due to their joint focus on God. Her husband is a Commander and Chaplain in the US Navy. Esther’s
relationship with her children is to be commended. Neither of the children went through a rebellious phase, and both adult children regard Esther and her husband as wise and respected leaders of their family.

Personal Philosophy

In the book Aging Together: Dementia, Friendship, and Flourishing Communities (McFadden & McFadden, 2011), a faith-based group explores what friendships and relationships are sustained throughout later adulthood and why. In addition, social psychologists refer to a principle called social exchange to explain many relationships. This concept states that people gauge the rewards and costs of relationships, and when the cost outweighs the reward, these relationships are cut off or left to atrophy (McFadden & McFadden, 2011). In other words, if one person is perceived the be taking more than they give or vice versa, the relationship is no longer sustainable because it is unfair.

In speaking with Esther about her relationships with friends and family, particularly her husband, son, and daughter, she started a different philosophy which she attributed to her faith. Esther stated that her healthy relationships with her immediate family were not due to an equal level of giving and take, but instead was due to the “not keeping score” of who has given more and who is giving less. She explained that this is a Christian principle exemplified in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Specifically, Esther pointed to biblical scripture as the reference for this teaching. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs [emphasis added]” (NIV, 1984/1973, 1 Cor. 13:4-5).

Esther explained that this philosophy has helped her forgive and let go of feelings of being unfairly treated by her children or husband. She further explained that we mistreat God all
the time, yet “He chooses to love us despite ourselves and to forget our sins when we ask for forgiveness.” Esther stated that she had observed these actions to have a profound effect on her relationships. When someone receives unconditional love, they are more likely to reciprocate that love which forms a lasting bond; the trouble is that someone must go first – to be willing to be mistreated so that this unconditional love can be practiced. Esther explained that Christ went first and now provides us with the selflessness that we need through the Holy Spirit to continue the cycle of selfless love.


Marriage and Family

Deployments

Esther and her husband spent many years apart during the early years of their marriage due to deployments with the US Navy (Fincham & Beach, 2010 via Cavanaugh & Blanchard- Fields, 2019). Her husband, Commander Steven Roberts, was deployed to war zones much of this time. Married couples in this scenario would likely be at greater risk of spouse-directed aggression due to a higher propensity of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) of combat veterans (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). Thankfully, Commander Roberts’ faith also served as a mediating force against stress and anxiety in forward-deployed regions.

Cavanaugh and Blanchard-Fields (2019) state the following:
What the non-deployed spouse believes turns out to be important. If the non-deployed spouse believes the deployment will negatively affect the marriage, then problems are much more likely. In contrast, if the non-deployed spouse believes such challenges make the relationship stronger, then they typically can do so. (p. 321)

Again, all signs point to Esther’s faith as a foundation for her resilience through deployments and the rigors of military life. The subject stated that although she may have been lonely at times, her relationship with Christ, prayer, reading scripture, and Bible study groups filled her relational needs left vacant by her husband. She found a solid and encouraging community through the faith-based relationships she formed throughout the years of deployments.

The Empty Nest

For many couples, satisfaction in marriage tends to improve after the children are grown and leave the proverbial “nest” (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). The state which follows is referred to as an empty nest. It is typical for married couples to experience a heightened sense of marital satisfaction after their children find independence. This change in life brings challenges and new prospects for married couples that have sustained their commitment thus far marriages (Karasu & Karasu, 2005 via Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). Successful couples tend to take this time to rediscover one another and develop new interests to participate mutually.

For other middle-aged couples, this time of change exacerbates problems that already exist within the marriage. These couples may choose to separate now that the children are no longer there to keep them together, or they may choose to remain married but become autonomous within the relationship. This state is often referred to as being a married single (Lamanna et al., 2015). However, it would be faulty to assume that this result is due to the empty nest phase as studies show that many couples in this state have not healthily handled marital issues throughout their marriages and therefore feel the emotional distance as a result (Jackson et al., 2014; Rokach et al., 2004).

A Healthy Home

Esther and her husband Steve have found themselves in a state of rediscovery after their children have left the nest. Esther and her husband jointly decided that Esther would stay home to raise the children, so this change has also been a professional retirement for her. As of 2020, both children have moved out of the home, and one is now married. Esther comments that having the house to themselves is excellent, although she does miss her children.

Esther and her husband have both turned their mentoring talents to the church in which he is the Chaplain, and she is the leader of a small group of young women. In this way, she is still “mothering” without having the added pressures of a child living at home. Esther also mentioned – now that her son is married – she is looking forward to becoming a grandmother.

Esther states that her faith is the reason for the success of her marriage thus far, again pointing to the unconditional giving of love and affection first modeled by Christ. The subject also stated that problems and quarrels had been few in her marriage due to their shared philosophy. Esther explained that when the husband loves sacrificially, to the point of selfless love, and the wife is equally as gracious, misunderstandings do not usually escalate into arguments because both parties are willing to submit to the other. This philosophy helped them to resolve conflicts quickly and effectively, leading to a healthy marriage.

Marriage in Older Couples

Esther and her husband are still very healthy and active. Because her husband is a Commander in the US Navy, he is required to maintain a combat-ready level of fitness. Unfortunately, it has yet to be seen how Esther and Steve fare in later years when health issues become a reality. Long-term marriages tend to decrease in satisfaction when advanced aging and health problems enter the equation (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). However, studies show that the level of marital satisfaction during his phase is directly related to the perceived level of care that each partner receives; in other words, if one partner perceives that they are giving more or better-quality care to the other, then marital dissatisfaction is likely (Landis et al., 2013; Proulx, 2016).

The issue of who is receiving better care seems to mirror prior life issues of social exchange. This author believes that Esther and her husband, informed by their faith, would employ the same philosophies earlier in life to serve one another selflessly rather than keeping score. Research also shows that social engagement predicts marital satisfaction in late life (Bennett, 2005 via Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2019). Due to the consistent involvement of Steve and Esther in their church and the military community, I believe that he is another sign of good days ahead.

Conclusion

Overall, Esther describes a life that is very common to the typical military spouse. She met her husband at a young age and set out to build a life together. After establishing themselves as a couple, they decided to have children and were blessed with a boy and a girl. Next, life threw them a curveball, and they had to adapt or overcome. Steve joined the Navy as a Chaplain, and their lives changed dramatically. There were many years of deployments, challenged raising the children and paying the bills, a heavy burden was put on the family, and they had to bear it or break.

This could be the story of any military spouse. Most military spouses confess that they have been on the brink of divorce many times throughout the cycles of pre-deployment, deployment, homecoming, and reintegration. It is typical for marriages to be full of strife and turmoil. However, if one goes deeper into Esther’s story, one will discover that these times were not tumultuous or anything but typical for her family. Because of her faith, these times were times that built Esther’s conviction and strengthened her relationship with her husband, her children, and her God.

Throughout her description of her life and the events therein, Esther continued to weave a thread of faith and devotion. In every mundane task like doing the dishes or washing and folding laundry, Esther found a way to serve the Lord rather than keeping score. Evidence of the efficacy of her faithfulness is apparent in the relationship Esther enjoys with her husband and children. Although her children are grown, they not only enjoy her company but seek out her wisdom in times of difficulty.

Esther could have fallen victim to the societal pressures and stereotypes of aging, but instead, the subject made a compelling case for disconnecting entirely from society’s chaotic voice in favor of the everlasting truths she found in scripture. Thus, when confronted with wrinkles and grey hair, Esther looks to scripture:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is how the holy women of the past adorned themselves. (NIV, 1984/1973, 1 Peter 3:3-5).

When Esther is confronted with a fear of frailty in old age or becoming weak-minded as society tells her will inevitably occur, she looks to scripture:

Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (NIV, 1984/1973, Matthew 6:25-27).

Finally, and perhaps the most significant according to Esther, when relational strife rears its head and society is telling us to look out for number one or keep score, Esther points again to the scripture that sustains her: “[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (NIV, 1984/1973, Matthew 6: 25-27).

This case study revealed an alternative path to aging for this author, filled with themes of forgiveness, grace, and releasing pressures of society’s view of aging in favor of a different viewpoint. As it is in the case of Esther, one can age with grace and dignity while being respected and even revered by her children. A successful marriage is possible using the perspectives and religious philosophies shared by the subject, and by releasing the expectations placed upon us by society, one can redefine the aging process entirely.

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